Criticizing ourselves

We are our worst critics. We criticize ourselves constantly and harshly. And in terms of our relationship with others, this causes us to do one of two things to other people: 1) Criticize them just as bad as we do ourselves, or 2) Idolize them because we find them to be everything we are not. Either way, our relationship with our family, friends, and acquaintances is damaged; the image we have of one another is crooked. And it all starts with how we see ourselves. However, I’m not going to start talking about how we need to have high self-esteem. No, because I think that the focus on self esteem might actually be part of the problem.

You see, we focus too much on ourselves, and that is not what God intended for us. God commands us to fix “our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:2). God wants us to focus on Him, to think less about ourselves, and more about Him and His will. Some of us focus too much on what we don't like about ourselves, the parts of us that we just can't stand, that we want to change. On the other hand, some of us focus too much on what we like about ourselves: how beautiful we are, how smart, how talented, how athletic, how savvy we are. And here's where our high or low self esteem comes into the picture. But that is not what God intended for us to do.

Do you know what is the chief end, the purpose, of men and women? Do you think it's to look ourselves in the mirror and criticize or admire what we see? Do you think it is to constantly think about ourselves and how awful or great we are? No. The chief end of men and women, our purpose, our reason for living is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. It's that simple. So simple. Too simple for some. We are not called, were not created to focus on ourselves, to compare ourselves to others, to look to others as idols or as people to put down.

It is not a matter of having a better esteem of ourselves. It is a matter of stopping to look for esteem in ourselves. Focus on God, on what God wants you to do. Focus on loving God and loving your neighbor. Focus on your relationship with God. Focus on serving others.

Strive to be like Christ; don't compare yourself to anyone else. Don't waste time looking in the mirror. Look to God, fix your eyes on Jesus, and live according to His Word. If you have your eyes on God and your heart set on serving others, your perception of yourself will change. You'll be able to see yourself as God sees you and you will be freed from criticizing yourself and criticizing or idolizing others. Live for God by His Spirit.

Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe & Why We All Need to Knock It Off, by Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk

When my son was a toddler I went to one of my friends at church, who had a 7 year old boy, and told her that sometimes (maybe most times) I really had no idea what I was doing. Were my husband and I raising him as we should? Were we doing it right? What were we doing wrong? How could we do it better? She looked at me, nodded and said, "I feel the same way."

Ever since my son was born, I've always asked for advice, I've always sought help, I've always listened and tried to put in practice the sound advice I got. But I still had that nagging voice in my head, that doubting Debbie downer asking, Am I doing it right?; saying, I really have no idea what I'm doing. My son is six years old now, and I still have these doubts. Every time he talks back at me I think, What did I or we do wrong for him to be so disrespectful? I should be a better mom, because a better mom wouldn't have a disrespectful child.

Enter Hoodwinked. I didn't have high expectations when I first began reading this book. The authors sometimes try too hard to be funny and witty. Some of the motherhood myths were not myths for me at all. I thought I wasn't going to be able to relate. But I was wrong. It took me a while to get there, but I did right when I got to chapter 7. Yep, it got me good. Up until that chapter I was going to recommend this book to women thinking about becoming moms, to those who are pregnant and the ones who are just starting now. But Hoodwinked was written with everyone and almost every motherhood problem in mind. The advice given is biblically sound, based strongly on Scripture, always taking us back to God, His mercy, His grace, His plan and purpose for us.

The authors did a great job focusing on what really matters (our relationship with God) and redirecting the readers' attention to our need for God's wisdom and strength when raising our children. Also, exaggerated wittiness aside, the book is written so that you feel as if you were among friends, wise, caring friends. A great book to read before having children or if you're raising your kids right now.

We always have doubts, nagging little voices telling us we don't know what we're doing, or that we are doing it wrong. And it's a good thing, too, because it means we care, it means we want to do our best. But my big take away with this book was this: I am not perfect and I cannot do it all. If that were the case, I wouldn't need God and my son wouldn't need God. Through my imperfections, I pray that my son can see God's grace, mercy, and providence. That gives me peace in this motherhood journey.

4 stars out of 5

In her eyes

(Many years ago, I wrote a simple article about my grandmother who suffered from Alzheimer's disease. I had written a poem in Spanish, my native language, but somehow I got it into my head that I wanted to be published in Guideposts, so I wrote the following article in English for that. I never sent it I have no idea why... maybe laziness... I don't know. Probably I didn't think it was good enough. But I thought today was a good day for it to finally see the light, mostly because I want to make sure that if you have a loved one suffering from this disease you realize that they still have much to offer, that you still have a chance to connect with them, to get to know them in a very different way, to enjoy their quirks, their wit, even their crankiness. Under your relative's thin veil of confusion there lies the person he/she was, without inhibitions.)

As my best friend dialed her grandmother’s telephone number, I stood still, amazed that she knew the number by heart. Suddenly, I felt a rush of guilt overflowing me, "How come I don’t know grandma’s phone number?"

I thought we were a very close family. We visited our grandmother every week and she would give my sisters and me a glass of Pepsi and a plate of Social Tea cookies. We talked, we watched television, shared a few memories together and then, off we went to our house until another week had passed and we would do it all over again. I never felt the need to call my grandmother, Tata, on the phone. Whatever it was we had to say, I figured, it could wait until our next visit. So my guilt found a justification and I was relieved.

However, although we may plan visits and trips and rationalizations, we can never fully plan for our unknown future, God does it for us. And His plan for our next step in life took me by surprise: Tata had Alzheimer’s and she could not live alone any longer. She misplaced her keys, she believed that she was being robbed, she argued that she wasn't receiving her retirement checks, she wasn't eating right, dressing right or behaving normally. She was sick.

So my family’s next move was for her to move in with us. "Well", I thought, "at least I will know her phone number now." But it felt strange. Pretty soon I realized that a few cookies and sodas, a few visits and talks did not provide for an understanding of who this woman sleeping in the bed next to mine really was. I did not know her.

What bothered me the most was that it was too late to start getting to know her. She had lost sight of who I was, who my mother was, where she was, what year it was, if she had eaten, if she took a shower, if the dress she had on was hers (and most of the time it was mine). Sometimes she didn't even recognize herself and had conversations with her mirror image! To me, it was funny and endearing, but, at the same time, I sadly realized that it was impossible to get to know someone that didn't even know herself anymore. The more her mind escaped her, the more irrational and erratic she acted.

On the days we went to church, however, she was on her best behavior. A woman raised with strict rules, she knew how to behave in public and she never forgot that. She was extremely ladylike and very well mannered, unlike me, and, she would say, unlike my sisters, too. To her, we had no social skills whatsoever. She knew how to sit properly, how to address someone in public, how to talk to strangers. She valued appearances, so she would put on makeup up to her ears, she would brush her hair, and always, always, pose. She would pose when talking to someone, she would pose for the camera, she would pose when laughing, she would pose when having a headache or when inventing a headache, she would pose when she wanted to dance or even when she thought no one was looking. She had class. I never knew that before.

At home, she would sit in the rocking chair, staring at herself 70 years before. She was a teenager in her eyes. She would ask to see her mother, her deceased sister Maria, her brother Milan, and her father. She wanted to be sure the cows were taken care of and the errands had been run. Then, suddenly, it was 30 years later and she was asking to see her daughters, her husband, and Juanchon, her driver. She wanted to cook dinner, tend to the pets, and make sure the clothes were washed. A very hands-on and caring person, she always wanted to be certain her family was well and taken care of.

When she came back to our reality, she would call me by name but did not recall she was my grandmother; she thought she was my aunt, that my mother was her sister, and that she was in charge of all of us. She was the matron of the house, capable of making decisions, the woman in charge who would kick visitors out if she thought it was too late or that it was the wrong time to visit. Every single time we had to explain her situation and ask our friends to please forgive her. But she was offended if her authority was questioned. In her eyes, she was responsible enough, old enough, intelligent enough, healthy enough to be respected and to be seen as the leader, as the chief. She was tough, and strong, and stern.

Tata was never more real to me than in those last years of her life. In the beginning, I was frustrated and afraid that I wouldn't know how to deal with her because I didn't know her. In the end, I realized that God really does work in unexpected ways. When I thought it was too late to get to know the woman lying in the bed next to mine, God opened a beautiful window through her eyes and I got to meet my grandmother as a child, as a teenager, as a newlywed, as a mother, as a grandmother, and as a friend. God knew it was not too late to get to know the funny, classy, caring and strong woman Tata was, and so He made sure I would meet her when I was old enough to know how important and valuable she really was.

Beautiful Reflection

This past Saturday, I went to the store to buy new clothes. I grabbed a few dresses, a shirt and a pair of jeans and went into the fitting room to face the dreaded and unmerciful full length mirrors.

For the first time in a very, very, VERY long time, I saw the reflection of my body and thought it was just beautiful. I loved the curves, I loved the form, I loved its size and I loved its softness. Nothing was firm, or tight, or toned.

My stomach looked kind of full, round even and fluffy, but it bore a child safely and secure for 39 weeks, enduring each strong kick, each swift movement, almost four years ago; a beautiful healthy, happy boy.

My legs and thighs are bigger, rounder and flaccid with the ever presence of some cellulite and a few stretch marks, but they run after a child and with a child every day, whenever he wants to play, and they are the perfect size for when my son hugs them when he's scared. There, he feels secure.

My arms look and feel soft, with no perceivable muscle tone or structure; not at all sculptural. But they hold a child every day. They hug him tight never wanting to let go. They pick him up, they carry him and he trusts they will not let him fall down.

And it's all beautiful. It's all soft, round, fluffy and flaccid, but firm and strong enough to bear a boy, to run after and with a boy, to hold a boy, to play with a boy, to kiss his pain away, to take his hand and make him feel secure, to lift him up and help him reach new and wonderful heights, to tell him each day how much I love him... Most of all, my heart is strong enough to hear him say he loves me back.

So after a very long time, and maybe even for the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and loved that reflection, and felt content, happy and moved. This is what God has graciously given me: innumerable blessings in the form of a child and because of him.

Welcome To Our Table, by Shirley and Danae Dobson

Welcome to Our Table is a compilation of memories, ideas, family recipes and celebrations with the intention of inspiring readers to bless others and create their own lasting memories. Authors Shirley and Danae Dobson (mother and daughter) give a lesson in hospitality: why should the reader show hospitality to others and how to successfully do it. It is full of stories, entertaining ideas and biblical wisdom about kindness and extending hospitality. With beautiful pictures, chapters divided by seasons, and easy to follow recipes, this book is designed to make the entertaining task doable for those readers who simply do not know where to start or what to do next.
 
“Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality” (Romans 12:13) is the first Bible verse quoted in Welcome to Our Table. And it is not a verse to take lightly. It’s a command, and a very intimidating one (at least for me). Although for many people, such as my parents, it comes naturally and effortlessly, to others, like me, practicing hospitality may seem overwhelming. I have no idea what to do, where to begin, or even what’s a good reason to invite people over. Do I need a good reason to invite people over? It definitely does not come natural to me.

This book is a great help. First and foremost, it highlights over and over the need we have, as Christians, to enjoy each other’s company, to share what little we have with those around us. It gives a wonderful lesson of extending kindness, of opening our hearts to others, of being sensitive to their needs and welcoming them to our home. As it turns out, in the end the reader realizes that practicing hospitality is a gracious command given by the Lord that blesses everyone involved. How sweet it is to enjoy the company of others, to share their laughter, their tears, to give them hope, to show them grace!

And this lesson in hospitality and kindness is given accompanied by very good recipes, but not just random recipes. For each chapter divided by seasons, the book has different sections, such as Easter, Bridal Shower, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Day. And for each section, the authors have provided a menu, which is a great idea for those who have no idea about what to do, or what to serve. The menus are well thought out and make the planning effortless.

The recipes alone are very good. The few we have tried, like the High Tea Vanilla Cookies and the Pumpkin Bread and Cream Cheese Sandwiches were huge hits, and very easy to follow, prepare and serve. Most of the recipes are made with basic ingredients that you may already have at home or that would be very easy to find at the store. And the results are well worth the efforts. The guests feel cherished and you will feel very pleased with the smile on their faces.

Also, the entertaining ideas are very cute and very much in keeping with each particular celebration. There are a few that may be too old fashion or culturally different for many. For instance, The Summer Formal Tea is not something we would do at our house. But we changed it to Our Evening Coffee Gathering, or Hot Chocolate Hour, and it works great. Just a little tweak to suit our needs and likes.

However, as great as the book is, it lacks a recipe index, which is essential in a book with recipes. I have had to go back and forth a few too many times trying to find a recipe because I could not remember to which season and section it belonged, even though the book is only 128 pages long. Also, there are a few plates mentioned in the menus that are not included in the recipes. Now, I know that the menus are there to give you an idea, but it would have been nice to include a recipe for each item on the menus, like the Pecan Pie or the Hot Apple Pie a la Mode. More so when the pictures look so enticing. 

With touching and endearing stories about family, friends and people in need of a little kindness, Welcome to Our Table opens our eyes and hearts to the needs of others and to our God given task of doing what we can to help. As the book closes, we are introduced to three remarkable ladies, their stories, their testimonies and the ways they turned their needs and hurts around to bless others, inspiring the reader to do the same, to not wait until someone asks if they can come over, or until the church needs someone to volunteer their house for a gathering. Just go, just do, just open your home, serve the table and enjoy the company.

4.5 stars out of 5

*I received a copy of this book from Harvest House Publishers through The Christian Manifesto in exchange of an honest review.

Oh, that inadequacy feeling!

I am a wife and a mother of a soon to be 3 years old boy. I am also a Christian, and I work outside the home, as a secretary to my sister. My husband and I both work full time, while my mother cares for our son, Ian. It is not what we wanted. Our intention was for me to be a stay at home mom. Our heart was in it, completely in it. Our finances, on the other hand, did not catch up to our hearts on time, and they still haven't, so I have to work. We do not spend what we don't have, we are not given to luxuries or buying things on a whim. My husband simply does not make enough money on his own to pay for our basic needs like mortgage, food, water, electricity, phone. When we had our son, we went through our fiances carefully and studied the possibility of him having a second job because we felt certain that I had to be at home. As it turned out, a second job would mean that my husband had to be outside our home from 5am to 9pm, with no time in between to be with me and our son. We vetoed that, and chose to keep things as they are.

And this is what happens: the more books, articles, blogs and videos I read and watch, the more I am being bombarded with the idea that, as a Christian wife and mom, I should be at home because we are called to be keepers of the house. There was a video where the lady even said that I could be blaspheming the Bible because I am working outside the home. There are a lot, and I mean A LOT, of blogs out there from wives and mothers who insist that we should take that leap of faith because if we do as God says, He will provide. Although the women that say these things think they are encouraging women like me, I've got to say I have never felt more inadequate in my life.

In the eyes of the world (which I actually do not care about at all), I am not living up to my full potential. I am a college graduate who has never worked on her field of study, an underachiever. Yes, to the world, I am insignificant; sometimes, even our clients treat me that way. But that is the world, this comes from people from whom I expect nothing more. Their work is their life, and they measure their worth through their income and job success. That is not me.

However, I have come to realize that in the eyes of many Christians (mostly women), my brethren, my people, I am not living up to my full potential; I am an underachiever. Even women who have been in my shoes treat me that way. To them, I am a blasphemer, I live contrary to the Bible, I don't care enough for my husband or my son, I am not being a good helper, I am not being the mom I need to be, and I am not being the homemaker, the keeper of the house God has called me to be. Yep, definitely inadequate.

So, aside from crying, feeling overwhelmed by this, being sad or depressed, what should I do? Should I quit my job and take that leap of faith? Should my husband take a second job? I'll tell you what I most definitely am not doing: I am NOT reading anymore blog posts about this. I am NOT watching anymore homemaking videos like the ones I have watched. I will NOT read another article on the wonders of being a stay at home mom, and how much more wonderful their kids are because their mom is with them, and how they have never missed a milestone or a kids-say-the-darnest-thing moment because they are always there. Enough of all that. I have realized that I have a much better way to deal with this.

I see myself through the eyes of the Lord. I know God loves me, and has blessed me with a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and a great house. And I am a keeper of my home, even if I am not in my home all day. I take good care of it, clean it, organize it, play with my son in it, enjoy our time together in it. I am a helper to my husband, I cater to his needs, as he does with me. We help each other around the house, and we care for our boy together. We parent our son fully, completely and around the clock. Even if we are not there, Ian fully knows and understands what God and we expect of him and his behavior. We are, in fact, always present in him.

No, I am not the perfect wife, mother and homemaker, but I strive to be great. Do I wish I could stay home? You bet. Would I take "that leap of faith"? Don't think so. What God has given us, we are responsible for. If I were to leave my job, half the things would be left unpaid. Do I trust that God will provide? Oh, yes! Right now, He is very graciously providing through both of our jobs, and it is our hope that one day He will provide only through my husband's job, and I will be able to stay at home. And when that happens, I promise to extend grace and kindness to those who will be facing the very feeling of inadequacy that I have felt in the past few weeks. Thanks be to God for His grace and mercy.

21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids, by Kathi Lipp

Overview (from Goodreads):Parents spend a good chunk of time making sure their kids are okay--they're getting good grades, doing their chores, and doing just enough cleaning that their rooms won't be condemned if the Board of Health happens to drop by. 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids offers a straightforward, workable plan to create new avenues of connection between parents and their kids. This handy guide coaches moms and dads to do one simple thing each day for three weeks to connect with their kids.

Written in Kathi's warm and compassionate but thought-provoking tone, this book will motivate parents to incorporate great relationship habits into their daily lives and give them confidence that they can connect with their kids even in the midst of busy schedules.

Review: This book was not what I expected at all. I was expecting something more along the lines of 1) Talk to and with your kids, 2) Do stuff together, etc. You know, the usual stuff. But 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids is packed full with ideas of what to do with and for our children. It's not just "Talk to and with your kids"; it's how to talk to them, when, what to say, how to prepare yourself for it. This book is all about doing. The author draws from her personal experience, as well as the experiences and advise of others to make a great compilation of very good ideas of things to do to connect with our kids. It's a very practical book.

Although there may be many books that fit this description, this one goes further. It is not only about the many things you can do with your children; Mrs. Lipp helps us to custom fit the ideas according to our children's personalities, their likes and dislikes. There is a personality quiz at the beginning of the book to more or less guide us to see which personality best describe our children, and it is a very handy tool for understanding our kids' different needs.

I really liked how candidly and sincerely the author spoke about her own problems connecting with her children. Everyone can identify with her struggles, relate to her, sympathize and know that they are not alone. However, many of the ideas presented here, although very good, are pretty basic and common, so I sometimes felt like it was strange, for example, to receive advise on eating together with my children, since we do so everyday. But if you have a blended family, somewhat detached teenagers, are thinking of starting a family or if you are simply at a lost of what to do with your kids, here you will find good, fun ideas to enjoy each others' company. Yes, some are very basic but I still encourage you to read this book just to see how simple, basic ideas can be given a fun new twist.

4 out of 5 stars.

*I received a copy of this book from Harvest House Publishers through NetGalley in exchange of an honest review.

Manners That Matter for Moms: The Essential Book of Life Skills for Your Kids, by Maralee McKee

Overview (from the Publishers): Corporate trainer and mentor Maralee McKee turns her attention to the home and shares the simple, savvy, and sincere skills kids need in order to flourish in today’s culture.

Skills for each stage of life make this the go-to book for moms with children of any age. Readers will learn how to impart the basic tools that empower kids to relate to others well, as well as…

• gain self-confidence by learning to make conversation pleasant, not painful
• overcome self-doubt by mastering new etiquette for today’s on-the-go, casual, techno-savvy families
• develop the interpersonal skills that will help them become the best version of themselves they can be in any setting

Fun, practical, and thoroughly up-to-date, this manual offers everything moms need to equip their kids to flourish in their relationships.

Review: Author Maralee McKee’s passion (or one of them, anyway) is manners: teaching them, making good use of them, writing about them. Her enthusiasm about manners was, at first, funny to me. I’ve always been laid back, very go-with-the-flow with this type of things. But the author makes a compelling case for good manners, their importance and how easy they are to learn and to teach to our kids.  

Right from the start, I felt at home. I loved the fact that the Forward seemed to be written by a friend in common; like a friend introducing us to her good old friend because she just knows that we will hit it off, and we do. The author begins telling us her story, a very touching story, which made her relatable, made her feel closer and made me want to keep reading. 

If you are like me, you always say please and thank you, always greet people and look them in the eye when speaking with them. Those are the basics, things we are taught from the start. But they are not enough and the author makes that perfectly clear. It’s funny how a book about manners will make you look deeper into your parenting, what you expect of yourself and your children, what you can provide for them to be better persons in the Lord and with those around them. Manners that Matter to Moms does just that. It is a very practical book that not only addresses the need for teaching our children manners, but also speaks to the importance of, as mothers, being the primary manners role model for our kids. 

Never one to use a knife, I always cut my meet using my fork (WHAT!), never put the napkin on my lap while eating (yikes!), I always, always, hang my purse in the back of my chair (oh no!) and never send formal invitations to anything, not even my wedding (my goodness!). It’s terrible, I know. It’s not what I want for my son, and this book has helped me see that and has made me want to change that.

As with any parenting book, I don’t necessarily agree with everything, but as a whole I think it’s a great tool for any household. From saying please and thank you, to how to introduce yourself and others, to the correct behavior when eating anywhere, there is a great lesson to be learn here: in all our relationships, dealings and conversations we should always be polite, pleasant and present. 

4 out of 5 stars

*I received a copy of this book from Harvest House Publishers through NetGalley in exchange of an honest review.

The Fruitful Wife, by Hayley Dimarco

As Christians, we want to grow in the Lord. In our marriage, we want to produce fruit that is pleasing to our Father, and a blessing to our husbands. However, most of us find it hard, and sometimes even almost impossible to bear good fruit, mostly when things don't go our way, when we are mad at our husbands or frustrated with them. Why? The problem is our spiritual barrenness, our lack of the fruit of the Spirit. What is the fruit of the Spirit and how can we grow in it? Author Hayley Dimarco goes deep into the Word of God, its profound meaning, to bring us the answer.

The Fruitful Wife is a book full of wisdom. Each chapter covers a specific part of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Mrs. Dimarco, very simply, beautifully and to the point, explains what each part of the fruit of the Spirit means, what it is, what it isn't, how we can grow in it, and how we can apply it to our lives, and to our relationship with our husbands. The author draws from her life, her own experiences, failings and triumphs, which makes her more accessible, more like one of us. You will identify with her, and you will see yourself described in the pages of this book, and you will find hope for you, for your relationship with your husband, for your frustrations with yourself and with him.

This book has made a great impact in my life. It took me a while to finish it because I had to stop on almost every page to analyze, internalize it, meditate, write it down, go to the Word of God and meditate once more. It has helped me grow in the knowledge of what the fruit of the Spirit really is, why it is important in my life, in my everyday life, and how to see things through it in order to live a life that pleases God.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, married or single, because, although it does say "wife" in the title, it relates to every woman and it applies to every relationship in our lives —form our relationship with God to our relationship with our neighbors, not just our husbands. This is a really great, life changing book.

5 out of 5 stars

*I received a copy of this book from Crossway through NetGalley in exchange of an honest review.