Saturday night my husband and I had to rush to the hospital with our two year old son, Ian, who was apparently having a fever induced seizure. Never in my life had I experienced such a scary, frightening, and sickening moment that left me feeling helpless, desperate and incredibly afraid for my son's life.
You always wish to be cooler, calmer and in control when something like this happens, but, as it turns out, it was not at all possible for me to do that, at least not at first. I mean not knowing what is going on, what is really happening to your kid, what damage can this do to him in the long run... It was a terrible state of mind.
Today, we still don't have a clear picture. Yes, we do know that he has a virus, but we have no idea which one. We are fairly certain that the seizure was caused by the fever, but until a pediatric neurologist sees him, we don't know for sure. This past couple of days I have felt, along with my husband, so powerless... Our son is doing great. He is doing better. He is still experiencing a little fever every now and then, but nothing to be too worried about. However, I can't shake the feeling that it could happen again, anytime, anywhere...
All along I have been "hearing" this little, persisting voice reminding me that I am NOT the one who is supposed to have control over this whole situation, I am NOT called to know exactly what is going on, and I am NOT expected to have a clear picture of anything, because I have my limits, because I am not all-knowing and because I am not all-powerful. But God is. The God that I trust, that I love and that I serve; He knows what's going on, He knows why this is happening, He knows what's coming next. So how can I just breathe, lift my hands and let go?
I guess it all comes down to trust. To trust that He who knows what's best will work all these things for my better good, for the good of my husband and my son. To trust that He who has control over everything can give me strength, peace and certainty in Him. To trust that He who has showed me how much He loves in many ways, many times, every day will take care of me and my family. So I'm letting go. God already took over.Needless to say I have not finished reading anything, so there is nothing to report on that end, but I will soon enough. In the mean time, trust God and do not lean on your own understanding. He will lead the way.